Online History Class and Reflections

I'm starting an Online History 101 class online the 19th and I'm looking forward to it, but at the same, it's sort of a downer. Most of my friends will be graduating next year...and here I am, a freshman for the second time. Part of it was beyond my control, but part of it wasn't.

I don't know how many people really read this blog, but I guess the whole point is to share and put yourself out there...so here I go.

I was diagnosed 3 years ago with Clinical and Manic depression. I flunked out of college and when I returned home, everyone knew something was wrong we me. I had graduated 10th in my class in high school, an Illinois State Scholar and various other achievements and this failure was shocking to them.

After talking to a counselor, the diagnosis was made. Some people might have been upset...but for me, it was strangely liberating. I FINALLY knew why I sometimes felt the way I did and I also finally knew...that it wasn't because there was something wrong with me.

I faced a crossroads; I could either curl up in a ball and rail against my circumstances, or I could say, "Okay. I have this disease. I will have it for the rest of my life and nothing is going to change that. How can I better cope with this?"

I chose the latter. I've been off medication (since it really only helps short term) for almost 2 years now. I do a lot of things to try and naturally boost Seratonin (the chemical my brain lacks) production like eat foods rich in Vitamins B and C and get out every day. It hasn't been easy, but I think that I finally might be able to get my life in some semblance of order now.

From one year of school, I took out a 13 thousand dollar loan...and flunked out. So I've been paying on that for the last 3 years and only now, with my DOL job, will I be able to have it finally off my back. Yeah, there are some crummy things about my job, but I can't and won't complain (too much, anyway). For having no education, this is going to mean that once a year is up, I'll be debt free...and I'm really looking forward to being able to remember what it feels like to not have this monkey on my back.

So I guess in closing, I'd just like to tell people that depression is a LOT more than just "feeling sad". Imagine your worst day, multiply it by two, then imagine feeling like that for weeks, even months at a time. That's what I, and people like me face on a regular basis. And a lot of times, we don't know when it's coming next. Sometimes events spark it off, but other times, it'll come on of it's own accord. I wish that more would be said about it so people would know the symptoms and be able to alert those who can help. I had two great roommates, but they didn't know who to call and get help for me.

Parents, grandparents, godparents, aunts, uncles of college bound kids...talk to them about this. There's something called "situational depression" which people can get when they go through a drastic change and they don't really have the full blown condition that I do. If it doesn't happen to them, statisically speaking, it WILL happen to someone they know. I figure if by sharing my story, one person doesn't have to go through what I did...it'll all be worth it.

I don't say this to get sympathy or to have people feel sorry for me. It is what it is and I've accepted that. But not a lot of people are willing to talk about this, and I am...so if you have questions, PLEASE ask me. I'm happy to answer. Thanks for taking the time to read this.